Friday, June 3, 2011


Names I Accidentally Call my Dog Molly:
1. Holly (Honey + Molly)
2. Muffin (my little sister's nick name)
3. Money (Molly + Honey)
4. Sweetie Pee (Sweet Pea + Sweetie Pie)
5. Bunny (Baby + Honey)
6. Bali (Baby + Molly)
7. Bog (Baby + Dog)
8. Buppy (Baby + Puppy)

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Good Housekeeping

Cleaning House With Alice:

1. You know how sometimes, in movies or TV shows, you see someone practicing kisses on a mop? Don't do that. Mops are filthy. Let the mop head touch only the floor and when you are done, wash your hands thoroughly!
2. If you are anything like me, you have a flat-top stove that is constantly getting build-up around the burners where pot after pot has boiled over. While scrubbing the area clean, your eyes may start to cross and your arm will probably start to ache. To keep your mind off of things, pretend you are a DJ at a hip club!
3. Dishes are boring. I find that if you sing while washing, drying, and putting away, time passes much more quickly... And adding a shuffle or a spin here and there really helps!
4. If you think you've used enough bleach, pour on three times as much more than you already have, just to be safe... But make sure to leave the room for about two hours until the fumes subside, unless someone is with you to move your body in the event that you pass out.
5. When I was in middle school, I had this fantastic idea that cleaning house would be more fun naked. However, as a housewife, I have to say... For every weird chemical you are using to clean, add one layer of clothing. Same goes for the amount of bugs you see. Oh, and wear shoes. You never know when you are going to move a piece of furniture and see a wolf spider!

Friday, May 6, 2011

On My Mind Today

Things I Can't Stop Thinking About:

1. Ticks are such creepers. How do they get down your pants so fast?
2. What is the best way to store earrings?
3. Are tulip poplar blossoms poisonous?
4. Would earrings stay put on a ribbon? I bet they would...
5. What truth is there to that episode of House where that girl gets sick but they can't find the tick because it has crawled up her lady-bits?
6. If  tulip poplar blossoms are poisonous, how much trouble will my husband and I be in for licking the nectar off of one to see how sweet they are?
7. Why should I care so much about earrings? My ears aren't even pierced!
8. What desserts might tulip blossom nectar enhance? A custard?
9. I hate ticks.
10. I love custard.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

For My Husband

Ten Things I Like About Being Married:

1. No more dating! It is just wonderful not having to wonder who I am going to grow old with.
2. I can eat peanut butter straight out of the jar without feeling gross- it's just me and him and our germs are friends by now.
3. I always know which of us is responsible for whatever mess has been left, and if it's mine, I know how long I can get away without cleaning it up.
4. Built-in heater! I always have someone to cuddle with if I am too cold.
5. For the most part, not having to worry about skeezy people trying to hit on me in a bar. Or grocery store. Or park. Whatever. If I feel like someone is checking me out, I just twist my ring subtly -or make some kind of big gesture with my hand in front of my face. Or rump. Whatever part is being looked at.
6. Always having someone in my corner. Being married means getting to be with my best friend all the time and having someone to back me up when I need it.
7. Getting to do things married people do... filing jointly... sharing a bank account... and so forth...
8. Occasionally having an excuse to get out of things... You know- "My husband needs me to do this important thing so I can't go do that boring thing with you." Fantastic!
9. Having someone to reach high things for me at home and in the store. My man is very useful!
10. Having an automatic date for everything! Marriage is awesome :)

Friday, February 25, 2011


3 Things I Like About Netflix:

1. I told them I liked Willy Wonka and they asked how often I watch "Tortured Genius Films."

2. I told them I liked Robin Hood - the Disney version with the animated foxes - and they asked how often I watch "Fight the System" movies.

3. But mostly this:

Thursday, February 10, 2011


3 Things That Happened Last Week That Freaked Me Out But Are Now Resolved:

1. My husband went out of town for a couple days, leaving me alone in the house...

2. My phone stopped working - wouldn't ring, wouldn't let me make calls...

3. My car broke down at 11:30 at night on a road with no street lights...

Bonus #4: I heard a crunchy-leaf noise outside my window at 1am while I was trying to sleep. Sounded like a crazy, psycho, stalker man but was probably a cat.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Stove Afire!

My Exact Series of Reactions That One Time About a Year Ago When I Was Still Living With a Roommate and I Had Just Woken Up and Was Boiling Water for Tea and the Burner Caught Fire:

1. Oh. Fire.
2. Dumb burner.
3. Ugh, dumb smoke detector.
4. Those are some good-looking flames...
5. Guess I should put salt on them.
6. But first I should take a picture with my cell phone so I can show everyone.
7. Oh, boo, I forgot to hit save before closing my phone.
8. Better take another picture and remember to hit SAVE this time! Silly me!
9. Perfect.
10. Now- where's the salt?