Friday, June 3, 2011


Names I Accidentally Call my Dog Molly:
1. Holly (Honey + Molly)
2. Muffin (my little sister's nick name)
3. Money (Molly + Honey)
4. Sweetie Pee (Sweet Pea + Sweetie Pie)
5. Bunny (Baby + Honey)
6. Bali (Baby + Molly)
7. Bog (Baby + Dog)
8. Buppy (Baby + Puppy)

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Good Housekeeping

Cleaning House With Alice:

1. You know how sometimes, in movies or TV shows, you see someone practicing kisses on a mop? Don't do that. Mops are filthy. Let the mop head touch only the floor and when you are done, wash your hands thoroughly!
2. If you are anything like me, you have a flat-top stove that is constantly getting build-up around the burners where pot after pot has boiled over. While scrubbing the area clean, your eyes may start to cross and your arm will probably start to ache. To keep your mind off of things, pretend you are a DJ at a hip club!
3. Dishes are boring. I find that if you sing while washing, drying, and putting away, time passes much more quickly... And adding a shuffle or a spin here and there really helps!
4. If you think you've used enough bleach, pour on three times as much more than you already have, just to be safe... But make sure to leave the room for about two hours until the fumes subside, unless someone is with you to move your body in the event that you pass out.
5. When I was in middle school, I had this fantastic idea that cleaning house would be more fun naked. However, as a housewife, I have to say... For every weird chemical you are using to clean, add one layer of clothing. Same goes for the amount of bugs you see. Oh, and wear shoes. You never know when you are going to move a piece of furniture and see a wolf spider!

Friday, May 6, 2011

On My Mind Today

Things I Can't Stop Thinking About:

1. Ticks are such creepers. How do they get down your pants so fast?
2. What is the best way to store earrings?
3. Are tulip poplar blossoms poisonous?
4. Would earrings stay put on a ribbon? I bet they would...
5. What truth is there to that episode of House where that girl gets sick but they can't find the tick because it has crawled up her lady-bits?
6. If  tulip poplar blossoms are poisonous, how much trouble will my husband and I be in for licking the nectar off of one to see how sweet they are?
7. Why should I care so much about earrings? My ears aren't even pierced!
8. What desserts might tulip blossom nectar enhance? A custard?
9. I hate ticks.
10. I love custard.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

For My Husband

Ten Things I Like About Being Married:

1. No more dating! It is just wonderful not having to wonder who I am going to grow old with.
2. I can eat peanut butter straight out of the jar without feeling gross- it's just me and him and our germs are friends by now.
3. I always know which of us is responsible for whatever mess has been left, and if it's mine, I know how long I can get away without cleaning it up.
4. Built-in heater! I always have someone to cuddle with if I am too cold.
5. For the most part, not having to worry about skeezy people trying to hit on me in a bar. Or grocery store. Or park. Whatever. If I feel like someone is checking me out, I just twist my ring subtly -or make some kind of big gesture with my hand in front of my face. Or rump. Whatever part is being looked at.
6. Always having someone in my corner. Being married means getting to be with my best friend all the time and having someone to back me up when I need it.
7. Getting to do things married people do... filing jointly... sharing a bank account... and so forth...
8. Occasionally having an excuse to get out of things... You know- "My husband needs me to do this important thing so I can't go do that boring thing with you." Fantastic!
9. Having someone to reach high things for me at home and in the store. My man is very useful!
10. Having an automatic date for everything! Marriage is awesome :)

Friday, February 25, 2011


3 Things I Like About Netflix:

1. I told them I liked Willy Wonka and they asked how often I watch "Tortured Genius Films."

2. I told them I liked Robin Hood - the Disney version with the animated foxes - and they asked how often I watch "Fight the System" movies.

3. But mostly this:

Thursday, February 10, 2011


3 Things That Happened Last Week That Freaked Me Out But Are Now Resolved:

1. My husband went out of town for a couple days, leaving me alone in the house...

2. My phone stopped working - wouldn't ring, wouldn't let me make calls...

3. My car broke down at 11:30 at night on a road with no street lights...

Bonus #4: I heard a crunchy-leaf noise outside my window at 1am while I was trying to sleep. Sounded like a crazy, psycho, stalker man but was probably a cat.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Stove Afire!

My Exact Series of Reactions That One Time About a Year Ago When I Was Still Living With a Roommate and I Had Just Woken Up and Was Boiling Water for Tea and the Burner Caught Fire:

1. Oh. Fire.
2. Dumb burner.
3. Ugh, dumb smoke detector.
4. Those are some good-looking flames...
5. Guess I should put salt on them.
6. But first I should take a picture with my cell phone so I can show everyone.
7. Oh, boo, I forgot to hit save before closing my phone.
8. Better take another picture and remember to hit SAVE this time! Silly me!
9. Perfect.
10. Now- where's the salt?

Wednesday, February 2, 2011


Places Where I Assume People Are Watching Me And Probably Also Judging Me:

1. The bank drive-through. I get sweaty thinking about the car beside me. They are almost definitely thinking, "Why doesn't she have everything ready before she pulls up? She had to reach into her purse!" and "Look at how short her arms are- she has to roll down the window and open the door! Haha, she looks dumb!" and "Her hair is sticking up funny. How could she leave the house like that? I hope she doesn't have any other errands to run!"

2. The toilet paper aisle. "Why is it taking her so long? Why is she buying so much at once? Ew, why is she buying that brand?" I haven't even had a chance to pick out a brand I like, what with all the people standing around staring at me. It's too uncomfortable.

3. The entire toiletries/pharmaceutical section of any store. No matter what I am there to buy - ibuprofen, tums, razors, toothpaste - I am always standing next to something embarrassing: laxatives, condoms, adult diapers. When I was sitting around waiting for my medication the other day, I realized I was pointed directly at the enemas, with nowhere else to stare. "What kind of person sits around staring at enemas?"


Things That Intimidated Me On Sunday:

1. Jessie. I have not experienced the intimidation/warning/introduction/handshake/hug (yes, in that order) greeting in some time. After she got past what she called the "A-hole Speech," she was pretty nice, but still a little scary. I tried to remind myself that I am technically an adult while she is still technically a teenager, but since she sort of one-upped me in size, vehicle, and being an EMT, it did not help keep me from being somewhat nervous.

2. Panda Hamster. Sounds cute, doesn't it? I had such good luck shoving my hand in the Teddy Bear Hamster (awww) cage, I assumed the Panda Hamster would also love me. Alas, no. I hope he loved the taste of my blood.

3. Rat Poo. When it is not still partially in the rat, it is not that bad. However, when a rat has burrowed itself halfway down a girl's shirt with its derriere sky high and you realize that it is actively excreting, well, yes, intimidating is one word- but unnerving is closer. The girl in question, in response to this realization, yelped, "Oh, no!" and then leaned over so that the rat droppings slowly fell to the floor while he was still safely tucked in her bosom. Yuck.

4. Chinchillas. They look cute, don't they? They are actually foul, wicked, unpleasant things and I really, really don't like them. It turns out that they don't like being removed from their cage, even for the perfectly reasonable task of cleaning their cage... which they really do need to be removed for, otherwise, they may get wet, and then they may turn the rest of the way into Gremlins. Grabbing at one, I found that they are fast (unexpected), and also that they sit up on their hind legs and make hiss-quacking noises with their tiny, evil mouths. I had to get someone else to extract them, which was fine with me. They also run around in their own urine when they're scared. What jerks.

5. Abigail. No, not really. Abigail is just a baby. A human baby.

6. The Feeder Room. This room is unsettling for these reasons:

     a) The Freezer of Death. This really is what they called it. Open the door to this freezer and you will find the stuff of a rat's nightmares - there are literally rows and rows, stacks and stacks, bags and bags, of frozen rodents. There was also, allegedly, a dead rabbit, but I didn't dig around to find out about it.
     b) The Crickets. One cricket at a time is not that bad, but a tank full of crickets stinks... three or four tanks full stink worse... and they are jumpy... and they are not easy to put in bags. And they apparently eat each other if they are in enclosed spaces for too long.
     c) The Roaches. I shouldn't have to say anything else. "The Roaches" should be enough to upset anyone. Still, you should know that I held an open plastic baggie out for a fifteen-year-old girl to dump a couple dozen in, and that many did not make it into the bag, which meant that, since she was sock-footed, I had to squeeze the bag shut and do a quick roach-killing dance (similar to clogging). I also needed to make a split second decision as to whether someone would mind terribly if I killed a roach beneath their book. Then I had to re-kill that particular roach by covering it with a folded paper towel and hammering it mercilessly with my fist. Then we both got reprimanded for our terrible, high-pitched screaming... I mean me and the girl, not me and the roach. The roach was dead by that point... presumably.

7. Armfuls Of Jessie's Ferrets. When Jessie had to leave, she took her ferrets with her. They had been playing in the large ferret cage with all the resident ferrets, and I really didn't know how many she had, so when she asked if I could help her gather them, I agreed, partly because I'm nice, partly because I like ferrets, and partly because, like I said, she's a little scary and I wanted her to like me. So she began to dig into the ferret cage and hand me furry, slithering mammals one by one. I put two between the fingers on my left hand, threw one over my right shoulder, piled the fourth on top of the first two, and then pulled the fifth to my bosom and followed Jessie, hoping I would not drop anyone. By the time we got to the Ferret Transport, I fortunately had only lost half of one, and he was dangling only almost to the floor. It was fine.

Things That Intimidated Me On Monday:

1. Barbara Streisand in "Hello, Dolly." She was a little disquieting.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Viking Success!

Things I Should Not Have Done Last Night:
1. Worn those boots for so long.
2. Worn that helmet for so long.
3. Worn so much lipstick.
4. Licked Lindsay's forehead? No, that was probably okay.
5. Kept refilling my cup before I got to the bottom of it... bleh.

Friday, January 28, 2011

Hard Worker

Today At Work, I:
1. Planned out my viking costume for tonight's party in my head (I am... Thor's twin sister with a spatula, more or less).
2. Printed out a speech bubble with the chorus of "So long and thanks for all the fish" and stuck it by the dolphin magnet on the refrigerator.
3. Posted on this blog (I knew it would become a distraction).
4. ...yeah, that was mostly it.

Celebrity Protection

3 Celebrities Who Wouldn't Do Well in the Witness Protection Program:
1. Lady Gaga
2. Paris Hilton
3. Ke$ha
(that also happens to be my current list of The 3 Most Obnoxious People I Can Think Of Offhand)

3 Celebrites Who Would Probably Do Okay:
1. Nicholas Cage
2. Tilda Swinton
3. Kristen Stewart

Thursday, January 27, 2011

In Short: Good

Today, I:
1. Got to skip work since there was literally nothing to do.
2. Got a haircut.
3. Probably got a new job. Fantastic!

Tomorrow, I:
1. Will go to work... boo...
2. Will later dress as a viking.
3. Will hopefully drink Barenjager.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

All In All, A Good Day!

Things I Did Today:
1. Quit my job! Fantastic!
2. Skyped for the First Time Ever.
3. Decided not to do anything with the balloons that are covering the floor, even though my mother-in-law was stopping by.

Things I Thought About Today:
1. That one eyelash of mine is looking pretty long. I wonder how long it's going to get... I wonder if it will be as long as that one eyelash that grew up to my eyebrow and was white and seemed never-ending...
2. Why do the phrases "pushing up daisies" and "coming up roses" mean such drastically different things? It seems like a mean joke.
3. That little bird looks like someone held a white bird by the ankles and dipped it in soot.

Work Out Time!

14 Questions That Keep Me From Exercising:

1. When are you supposed to exercise?
2. I feel like it should be in the morning, but what are you supposed to wear?
3. Your pajamas?
4. Or work out clothes?
5. Do you keep on the same underwear that you slept in or do you put on new underwear?
6. Doesn't it seem like a waste of resources to put on new underwear only to take it off in half an hour when you inevitably need to shower off all that work-out sweat?
7. If you are a morning-showerer, is it bad to work out at night?
8. Wouldn't you have to take two showers?
9. Isn't that supposed to be bad for your hair?
10. And when, exactly, are you supposed to eat?
11. And what, really, am I supposed to do in the winter when it is so cold?
12. Isn't it... bad for you... in some way... to work out when it is this cold?
13. Doesn't walking to and from my car count as exercise?
14. At least in the winter?

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

What I Did/Didn't Do on January 25, 2011

Things I Didn't Do Today:
1. Hit my husband's (eighteen-year-old) nephew for saying I have "masculine hands."
2. Pay what I thought I would for my medication.
3. All the dishes.
4. Not eat ice cream.

Things I Did Today:
1. Said to my husband's (eighteen-year-old) nephew: "Maybe you have feminine hands!"
2. Stand behind a man who smelled strongly of cat urine and faintly of floral soaps while waiting to pay nearly $80 for my medication.
3. Some of the dishes.
4. Enjoyed a bowl of cherry ice cream with chocolate syrup while watching more TV than I planned.